Sunday, February 22, 2009

Live Blogging the Oscars

I like to jot down my thoughts on the Oscars as they happen... or you know, make fun of everyone. Except for the three people I like. Here are some opening thoughts while they do the red carpet BS:
  • I am NOT looking forward to Hugh Jackman being the host.
  • Amy Adams is too adorable. They should give her an Oscar just for that.
  • My idea for a Sex and the City sequel: Big loses all his money in the new great depression and Carrie has to sell all her beloved manolo blahniks & move in with Samantha. Haha... my idea, it's not any good. But I imagine anything they come up with won't be either. That is to say: it's played out, people. Just let it go.
  • Brad Pitt just doesn't do it for me anymore. And Angelina... seriously she's younger than me?
  • Shit. Valentino looks like a shriveled orange. He can still make a hot dress though.
  • If you didn't like Slumdog Millionaire, you don't have a heart.
  • Mickey Rourke cracks me up... I want him to win just to hear his crazy speech.
  • Speaking of people I don't get... Zac Efron. He just called someone a "great kid." Isn't he like 20?
  • Robert Downey Jr. is fantastic. And that's all I have to say about that.
  • Something about Miley Cyrus just creeps me out.
  • Has this thing started yet?
  • Richard Jenkins is my second choice for best actor.
  • I loved Vicky Christina Barcelona & wouldn't mind if Penelope Cruz wins.
  • I really didn't see very many movies this year so I'm just picking actors & actresses I like... deal with it.
  • Some of the oscar nominated movies I did see: The Wrestler, The Visitor, Vicky Christina Barcelona, Tropic Thunder, Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E, Man on Wire
  • They were all great. Except Tropic Thunder. Which was lame.
Ok, it's starting...

Heeeere's Jackman! I'm wondering... is that new Wolverine movie suppose to be serious because I was cracking up during the preview. And not in a good way. Oh jeebus... so far, no good on this hosting choice.

He is basically doing Billy Crystal as oscar host, only he's not Billy Crystal. And he can't keep a straight face... so he's like Jerry Seinfeld doing Billy Crystal.

I think he's done. Start handing out some awards now please... I want to get to bed by 1am.

Oh wait, now he's kissing everyone's ass.

Is it just me or can Meryl Streep sneeze on screen & get nominated for an Oscar?

Rumor has it that Jennifer Aniston is presenting tonight... $5 they cut to the golden couple when she's up there. Because that is the kind of bastards they are.

Best Supporting Actress time... if anyone starts talking about Marissa Tomei's "comeback" I'm going to puke. She has been around all this time and making pretty decent movies. I don't like this format... do they have to drag this out any longer? Wait, how did they manage to make the oscars even more ass-kissy?

Winner: Penelope Cruz! I can't understand a word she's saying but good for her...

Tilda Swinton would make a great Ursa in a Superman II remake. That is not to say they should do such a thing... because the original is where it's at.

Finally, a commercial. My dog has already passed out.

So far the only thing I like about Hugh Jackman is the way he pronounces process... PRO-cess. Just like my ATM! Hehehe.

Yea! Steve Martin... he would have been a good host. Or Tina Fey. Or both of them together since they are the best thing on this show so far.

OK, original screenplay... Milk.

See even when it's funny, this format is too drawn out. I totally forgot what award they were handing out by the time they got to it.

Yea! Equal Rights shout out!

Adapted screenplay... still Tina Fey & Steve Martin presenting. Slumdog Millionaire FTW!

Jen Aniston & Jack Black... I TOLD YOU SO. At least Angelina wasn't scowling for once.

Wall-E is gonna win, duh... my dog even likes it. I know because he never pays attention to the TV and he just stopped & looked.

Oh yeah, it won. I'm still not over seeing Angelina laugh... she must have practiced. "I will not look bitchy, I will not look bitchy, I will not look bitchy." They just showed them AGAIN. Can we give Aniston a fucking break already? Apparently the producers of the academy of moving talkies (or whatever they are called) are no better than Us Weekly.

Um, something just won for best short cartoony movie... but I was ranting so I can't tell you what it was.

Another commercial... only 7 more hours to go!

Just one more thing & I'll move on... There is nothing remotely pathetic about Jennifer Aniston. So stop implying that, every magazine ever.

Oh hello, Daniel Craig... you are gorgeous. Oh SJP, you're here too. Ben Button just won something... art direction? No, I don't pay that much attention, this is true.

Does everyone get to present two awards tonight? Best Costume Design: The Duchess.

Tired. This guy talks... really... slow.

OMG. I'm not complaining that Daniel Craig is still on my TV but wtf is with them presenting three awards?

Makeup: Ben Button

They are doing some kissy-kissy montage.

Puppy potty break! I'm happy because he let me know he wanted out before the potty break happened. :-D

Haha... OK, Ben Stiller as faux-crazy Joaquin Phoenix is good. Hehehe... Natalie Portman

Cinematography... Slumdog.

Uh, Jessica Beil... I'm gonna take a nap. Wait. Did they come back from commercial just for that?

Pineapple Express? I think that's what this skit is...

Is there an award here? Oh. it was another montage.

Now here's an award. This always seems like a good idea until two hours into the show. Live Action Short... uh, Toyland.

Pasta break... the Heath Ledger award is coming up. I didn't see the movie, I'm sure he's fantastic... but I can't shake the feeling he is going to win just for dying.

Ugh. Another musical number. This post is getting oppressively long... I'm gonna start part 2.

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